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[personal profile] taliahale
In just over a week I'll be boarding a plane. It'll be right around 117F on the tarmac (why, yes, Phoenix actually is a hellscape for several months of the year). Expected weather in the Idaho Panhandle is light rain with highs in the mid- to low-70s.

It may make for a nice break from the heat.

It's been just over three years since I saw my mother's parents. I spoke with them briefly at my older sister's wedding. I got a call from my mother a few weeks ago. She said that if I wanted to visit them one last time before my grandfather doesn't recognize any of us I should make it soon.

To be perfectly honest I'm feeling a bit detached about the whole thing. I'm estranged from the majority of my family, godless-academic-slut-queer-heathen that I am, but my grandfather was always kind to me. He had a stroke twenty years ago that destroyed a golf ball-sized portion of his brain. Before that he'd been--I'm told, I don't know that I met him before--quick tempered and free with the paddle. The man I remember had relearned how to speak, but the trial of translating the thought he was having to understandable speech was generally deemed not worth the effort. He spends all of his free time reading the Bible. That's not facetiousness. He quite literally spends all of his spare time studying 'the good book,' one of the few phrases that's always come handy to his lips.

I don't have anything to say to him.

My younger sister, who's incredibly devout, is having a difficult time with our grandfather's failing health. If I'm honest, the main reason I'm making the trip is because she'll be able to get away from field school for a few days to drive up while I'm visiting. I'm scared of leaving her alone in the wilderness with her fear and her painfully empathetic soul.

I'm not good at grieving. I don't deal well with death. I'm sure it makes me a terrible person for not being more upset by the pending loss, but deep depressive episodes are what I have to look forward to when I actually care. I've lost years of my life to grieving for people I love. I simply don't have the energy for a man who shares my genes and has never shared my life. It's selfish, but it's self care.

I refuse to feel bad.


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October 2014

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